Nini's Indecision
An excerpt from my ~11,400-word essay "Nini."
Harper’s is publishing a ~9,000-word-version of “Nini,” my essay on my cat Nini, in their September issue. I’m earning more than twice as much for this than for anything else I’ve published in a magazine or newspaper. Soon I will make a video where I tell Nini about all this—thanking him, reading him some of the essay, etc.
I submitted “Nini” to Harper’s as a ~13,000-word draft, and they asked me to shorten it to ~9,000 words. I highly enjoyed editing it down. I believe writing almost always benefits from being more concise. The version of “Nini” that will be in my essay collection Reasons to Live is currently ~11,400 words. It’s getting gradually shorter.
On Substack, I can post excerpts that are in the book version but not in the magazine version, like the following—a section titled “Indecision.”
INDECISION
When Nini lifts a paw—seemingly to walk ahead—he sometimes puts it down in the same place (once, he did this three times in a row), or swings it 30 to 120 degrees (changing course), or sets it down in front of him without advancing the rest of his body.
He is often motionless in ways that make him look like he’s in a paused video. In these moments, he teaches me patience. He seems to be zoned out, malfunctioning, or ignoring me, but he is actually considering his next move. If I quietly wait, instead of rushing him, I can discern his true nature.
Recently, I saw Nini at the bottom of the four steps leading up into the house, seeming to be on his way indoors. He turned away from the stairs, toward the way to go under the house, which is raised three feet off the ground by wood posts on concrete blocks. He paused for a long time. He turned halfway around, back toward the stairs. He paused again. He dawdled up the stairs into the house.
His full-body indecision reminded me of my decade of pharmaceutical drug addiction and heavy cannabis use, when I often stalled or reversed directions—sometimes repeatedly—in my room or in public, in New York City, unsure what I wanted to do. My uncertainty stemmed from drug-exacerbated neuroticism; Nini’s seems linked to his extra-cautious psychology, a mix of autism and feral instincts.
I enjoyed the comparison to your prior drug use, captivating stuff
Congrats, Tao.